Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
