I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
