It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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