Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
