I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
