She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize