I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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