i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
