My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
