Umm I'm too high to move.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
