Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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