Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
