There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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