i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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