I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
