I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
