google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
