It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
