she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
