so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize