I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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