I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
