If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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