Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
