I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
