Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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