She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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