White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
