mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
