I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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