Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
