I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
