You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
