Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
