He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
