I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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