i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize