I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
