i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Who died my cat blue again?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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