I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
