my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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