She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
