i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
