I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize