Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
