Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
