Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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