he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
