hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
