he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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