I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
