If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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