Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
