I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
