You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
