so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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