I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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