This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
