complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
