I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
