sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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