just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
